


Touch (You Can't Really Feel)

by handcversbruise



Category: Little Mix (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, Other, future!fic, lol this is my headcanon for what will happen okayyy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 06:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/936568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handcversbruise/pseuds/handcversbruise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn gets engaged.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touch (You Can't Really Feel)

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to all my fellow girls I've been talking to all day.

He figures by now Perrie should have figured out he doesn’t plan on coming back from his smoke break. Their wedding is starting soon (now, if he’s honest) and he’s counting on there being a few more minutes before anyone comes after him.

He doesn’t want Perrie to be alone while facing humiliation, he just can’t marry her. (Zayn’s never been good at giving Perrie what she deserves anyway.)

He thinks maybe at one point he could have married her. Maybe in another reality where he isn’t young, and dumb, and out of love with her this could happen. Zayn thinks maybe if he were a different person he wouldn’t be running away.

But it’s a Saturday in June of 2014, and he’s 22, and Perrie’s waiting for him in the hall, and all he can think is “run.”

 

So he does.

 

\------------------

 

    It’s 2013. One Direction is getting ready to premiere their first movie and Zayn is happy. He’s done with touring for a little while so he gets a break. The promotion and interviews drain him in another way, but he’s been so happy with everything lately that it doesn’t bother him.

    They’re finishing another long day and headed back to their hotel. Everyone’s exhausted. Louis is talking to Eleanor, making plans for the premiere that’s in a few days, while Liam tries to ignore all the hate his new girlfriend Sophia is getting on Twitter. Harry and Niall are having possibly the weirdest conversation Zayn’s ever heard when Perrie arrives.

    Zayn’s always wondered why she sticks around when she’s heard the rumours (seen the proof). He doesn’t think she should put up with him and his moods, the way he’ll ignore her in front of everyone, but she does and right now he’s happy.  She flashes him a big smile before wrapping her arms around his waist for a hug. It’s a quick one, but deep, and he hears her whisper “I’m proud of you” before he leads her into his room.

   

    He thinks maybe she had a different idea of how their relationship would go (like how he has one about his life). Maybe Perrie wants something typical, with a two-story house and dogs and complete normalcy that he can’t imagine ever giving to her. But as she lays beside him in their bed, body warm and comfortably tucked into herself, Zayn thinks he could do this forever.

    (He could at least try.)

 

\------------------------

 

    The proposal isn’t a romantic thing. Perrie shows him the same hesitation she shows when reporters ask her about his tattoo. (They fight about that a lot, she cries and begs him for the truth; he bites his tongue and tells her it’s love. He thinks maybe he wants it to be.)

“Zayn you can’t be serious.” Perrie tries to laugh but she looks more hurt than anything and Zayn doubts whether or not he can keep going with this.

“No Pez, I’m completely serious.” He hopes his voice sound as strong as his desire to have this work is. He looks at her eyes, shiny with tears, as she backs away from him looking betrayed. He would do anything to have her stop looking at him.

    “I want this--us. I do. Let me prove it to you.”

(In retrospect, Zayn thinks maybe you shouldn’t have to beg your girlfriend to let you propose, that you shouldn’t have to prove you do want her.

 

\-----------------

 

    The premiere goes by perfectly but the fans find out about the ring he got Perrie and everything turns bad fast.

    Zayn sees the comments made, some about their different religions, their races, others bringing up his cheating scandals. He doesn’t say anything. Perrie’s mom confirms the story and he tells himself to be glad. He hopes it’s nerves and not regret.

    He avoids Perrie that day.

 

Harry finds him after their interviews, finds him hidden away in a corner, trying to sketch out his fears. Harry’s the only one who asks.

“Why, Zayn?”

And Harry isn’t trying to be rude, isn’t crossing any boundaries even, Zayn just wants to bring back the happiness. He lifts his head up to look at the younger boy. He wants --he really wants -- to make a joke about Harry’s hair looking too shabby for a pop star, but he can’t.

He looks at the floor because anything is better than looking into Harry’s worried eyes.

“I think I can get better.”

 

\------------------

 

    He doesn’t expect Perrie to start planning. At least not so quickly. The boys have to go back on tour soon, he doesn’t need the stress of a future wedding (a marriage), he just wants to be with her.

 

    (Zayn wants things a lot yet they never seem to happen.)

 

    She wakes him up with sweet kisses on his neck, gently nudging his side. He can hear her giggling, throwing out friendly insults of “get up you lazy arse”. She makes him smile. They spend his days off in bed watching romantic comedies and Zayn only thinks about other people he could be with twice.

 

\-------------------

 

    Perrie visits him on the last two shows of the Take Me Home Tour. Zayn is having fun in New Zealand, he parties with Harry and Liam, he sees the sights with Louis and Niall.

 

    (He only sleeps with someone once, a pretty girl with smooth tan skin, shiny brown eyes, and a smell that doesn’t remind him of a future he isn’t sure he can ever do.)

 

She hugs the boys before him and Zayn remembers he hasn’t been texting her back. She’s mad this time because he’s supposed to be proving to her that he wants this.

Zayn’s sure he does, most days. Zayn likes Perrie, thinks she’s got a great personality that could rival Louis’ in the sass category, thinks she wears multicolored hair wonderfully, and sings well. Zayn loves her when she’s asleep next to him, when she looks at him with sad eyes and shares stories about her life. He doesn’t love her when he’s away.

She finally makes her way across the hotel room, sets her bags down on the floor besides Liam, and looks at him. She looks small before him. Zayn pretends not to see the pain her eyes, the look she gives him when she’s afraid of being abandoned. (He’s used to it and that makes him hate himself more.)

“I missed you” he whispers, knowing full well it’s a lie. She hugs him, shaking with nerves. She smells like home and it makes Zayn sick.

 

\-----------------

 

    Things don’t slow down once the tour ends. The boys have a break but they’re recording, promoting (in Zayn’s case, ignoring) and are kept busy with appearances.    

    She’s moved in, all over his space, and Zayn feels like he’s drowning. (Some nights he sneaks away while she’s asleep, talk to people he knows he shouldn’t, but it calms him down enough to wake up beside her and keep lying.)

 

    “You don’t care, do you?” Perrie’s voice comes as a surprise to him. He’s in his graffiti room, lost in the fumes, and maybe he should be angry. Angry at himself but it manifests as anger at Perrie for interrupting his calm.

    “What are you talking about?” he snaps. He puts down the can and crosses his arms. He’s getting impatient, getting anxious.

 

    (They stopped sleeping together a few days ago. Zayn is never in the mood to cuddle Perrie after, Perrie unwilling to cry herself to sleep. He thinks she’s going to call him a cheater again and he doesn’t want to deal with that.)

 

    She steps into the room and Zayn almost tells her she’s not allowed in but they're engaged and doesn’t that mean she’s allowed in everywhere?

 

    “The wedding?” she shuffles around him, makes sure not to come too close. “You never try to plan it or listen to my ideas.”

 

    He starts to say something, tries to formulate a way to deny her claims, but he can’t. it’s not that he’s lost interest, he hasn’t. It’s that this relationship has taken over everything, is plaguing his every thought since he proposed, and he doesn’t want to admit he never imagined this would lead to a wedding.

    Perrie approaches him with bridal magazines almost daily, asks if he wants a live band or a DJ. It’s traditional but not his traditions and maybe he should tell her that instead of being upset but he’s not ready. He doesn’t think he can yet.

    She’s still talking, chastising him, and he’s suffocating. He excuses himself, runs out of the door of the house with no plan in mind.

    He pulls out his phone and calls the first person he recognizes.

 

\---------------

 

    He sees Harry that day. He tries to keep the conversation about their upcoming stadium tour, ignores mentions of Perrie. They both miss being on the road, miss the crowds roaring and screaming their names. Zayn admits to missing his family already.

    He knows he shouldn’t because he sees them more now that he’s on a break, but Perrie’s tainted that. They love her, are happy for them, but he’s sure he doesn’t love her now. He’s not sure how to leave.

    They stay in the coffee shop until Harry claims to be sleepy and leaves. Zayn’s left alone with his thoughts. His mind’s screaming at him to leave, to make peace with Perrie and go their separate ways. But he’s never been good at things like this so he calls up the pretty girl he remembers used to live nearby and promises things will be different tomorrow.

 

\---------------

 

    For a minute he worries Perrie’s changed the locks or burned the house down. She has a lot of guts, he recalls, before feeling guilty about turning her into the shell of the girl she once was. (The girl Zayn once thought he could love.)

    The house looks so normal and unchanged that Zayn thinks the only routine he could promise her involves cheating and lies.

    She flinches on his bed when he enters the room. Zayn knows she’s been crying, has been crying, will keep crying. He hopes he looks bad enough that she accepts his apology.

    He climbs into bed, moving her out of the way gently, leaving his hand to linger on her arm. He lays there, stares at her. This is not want he wants. He misses the happiness, the good times. He thinks they were friends once, but she’s in love and he’s a mess and Zayn doesn’t know where to start to change.

    He gets lost in his thoughts which is maybe a problem. He doesn’t feel Perrie shifting around the bed. Her touch is warm, comforting, everything he doesn’t deserve. Zayn isn’t a bad person, he’s just a little lost. (And if he has commitment issues then no one has to know.)

   

\--------------

 

    They start the UK portion of the tour smoothly. Perrie gives him a kiss as she sends him off with the promise of going to as many shows as possible.

    Zayn doesn’t love her when he’s away. He’s detached, moody, angry--he’s ruining their relationship but she sticks around. He thinks maybe he’s waiting for her to end it so he doesn’t have to. He gets onstage and sings and performs. He goes to parties and flirts and touches and kisses but he doesn’t bring the girls back with them. Maybe this is progress.

 

    It’s mid 2014 and there’s no set date for the wedding. Perrie gives a dashing smile to reporters and says they’re “focusing on their careers and wouldn’t want to tell anyway!” If Zayn notices the sadness in her voice, he ignores it and says nothing.

 

    It’s not that the boys don’t care, it’s that they don’t know how to help. Louis tries to stop Zayn from kissing girls at clubs but he never listens. NIall hates getting involved so he doesn’t. Zayn avoids Liam now, after his last messy hookup almost went to the press when she sobered up enough to know who he was.

    Harry never gives up on Zayn but he never pushes. Zayn feels like a murderer every time he turns down Harry’s invitations to sit around and “just talk.”

    He needs to tell Perrie he’s sorry and that he means it but he doesn’t know how. He needs to let her go but that thought makes him pull her back in.

   

    He calls her after their fourth UK show.

    “Let’s do it soon, Pez. After these shows!” Perrie shrieks loud enough to mute the voices screaming at him.

 

\-----------------

 

    Perrie doesn’t seem to mind planning the wedding. Eleanor and Sophia help her. Zayn smiles at them while they discuss what to wear to the wedding and wonders why he doesn’t mind having no say. (He knows it’s so he can detach, so he can breathe.)

    Before shows he’s taken to caterers, venues, and tuxedo shops. He plays along, smiles, and makes jokes. Sometimes he imagines them in the future, them in love, and hopes he can--for her sake. The UK shows end and Zayn panics.

 

\----------------

 

    Perrie’s not around as much and Zayn wonders if she’s finally left him. Harry tells him it’s “bad luck to see the bride” before the wedding. Harry is his best man at Perrie’s suggestion and this makes Zayn happy.

    But he’s decided he can’t get married. Things got too hard and the thinks maybe he could have called everything off a long time ago, but now he’s stuck.

    He’s stuck with a girl he should find amazing, he should love and care for, but he doesn’t.

 

\----------------

 

    “I’ll just be a moment babe. Promise.” He gives Perrie an eskimo kiss, lowering her veil over her face once more. She looks beautiful, hasn’t stopped smiling all day. Everything is set for them to marry. It’s a non religious ceremony for which Zayn is thankful. It’s a shame he can’t attend.

    “Don’t take too long! We need to get married!” her laugh is vibrant and full of joy and Zayn leaves the room with a smile. (He isn’t feeling gulty, he feels like he’s heading towards freedom.)

 

\---------------

 

    He’s outside and thinks Perrie should know he isn’t coming back. He takes out his phone and calls the first girl whose name he remembers.

  
  
  


   

 

   

   

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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